Freedom
by WickedGame
Summary: My short entry for the Moments of Rapture 2006 contest. Duo was content with what he had until one night changed it all. 1x2x1


Title: Freedom

Category: angst, drama, romance

Rating: NC-17 or M

Warnings: lemons, bondage, rough sex, foul language

Spoilers: None really.

Notes: Takes place during the series. Duo POV. Written for the Moments of Rapture "Mission: Get Together" contest. Beta-ed by FantasyOrReality.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing.

I can't tell you how hard it is to live this goddamned life. It's so tiring, and I feel so weak throughout it. It's one thing for me to keep up a mask, to keep playing the joker; it's another thing to shut everything off and pretend none of it bothers me. It's a fucking lie and I know it. I know I would be lying if I said that the killing, the burning, the disassociation of it all doesn't get to me. Hell, I would be worried if it didn't get to me. But then again, I'm not Heero. He lay about for so long trying to not show his feelings that it nearly ripped him apart.

You see he's the Perfect Soldier during the day. I never call him that, because I know it's a lie. Yet that doesn't stop everyone else from calling him that. From the mad scientists who dictate our movements to the OZ troops who fear his glare alone. Unlike them, I know he has weaknesses. I know that not even he is immune to life's curveballs. Heero Yuy isn't made of stone, even if he is still one cold bastard sometimes. I only know because I am the one he chooses to vent those weak thoughts on.

The first time it happened was shortly after we met and were enrolled in one of those now forgotten prep schools that we hid out in while blowin' shit up. We shared a lousy little dorm room with two single beds, two dressers, and two desks. The walls were white, the floors were hardwood, and the bedding was nothing but white sheets and blue blankets. It wasn't a luxury hotel, but it did the trick. Lord knows it was preferable to having to sleep on the ground (which we have done a number of times). Heero had gone to blow up a weapons factory that was about thirty minutes away from the school. I was only halfway paying attention to my geometry homework. The other half of me was thinking about Heero.

I can't deny it now. I couldn't deny it then either. The fact that I was attracted to Heero was nothing new to me by then. What amazed me back then was that I could actually have feelings for the guy. It wasn't just about wanting to stroke his skin or suck his cock. It was deeper, even maybe emotional. I tried not to think too hard on it back then. I was not going to have time for that kind of feeling in my life I thought. I thought I would be dead by the end of this war anyways. To have loved and lost and all that junk, ya know?

But then I was blown away when Heero came into the room with blood streaked on his bared calves and in his chocolate hair. Before I could even ask the madman what the hell had happened, I saw the glint in his eyes.

Predatory, starving, thirsty, dirty, and raw.

Oh, shit.

Heero was on me before I could say a word. I didn't protest when he threw me up against the wall, slightly cracking the plaster. I didn't protest as his mouth hit mine, bruising my lips. I didn't protest as he used his tongue, lips, and teeth to plunder my mouth and make me gasp with the intensity. His hands ripped at my t-shirt and shorts, tearing the cloth into pieces as he fought to get to my skin. I knew then what his intent was.

Can't rape the willing though, right?

His teeth scraped my skin as he kissed and groped his way down to my now-hard dick. I gasped and let out an exclamation as he finally sucked me in between his lips, wet heat engulfing me as he moved up and down, bobbing his head. I didn't last long, releasing every bit of semen into his mouth gratefully. He did not complain at the taste, but he did yank me from the wall in my post-orgasmic haze in order to toss me onto his bed. He quickly shed his clothing and turned me over onto my stomach.

"On your hands and knees," he ordered. I was so hot that I didn't think to question the order or the tone in which it was given. I got on my hands and knees like I was ordered, and waited for what was to come.

I took a moment to silently ask myself where he had gotten the lube from as a finger roughly penetrated me. He wasn't gentle with me. He wasn't caring as he plundered me until three fingers were stretching me and I found myself panting for him to fill me. He obliged, thrusting into me fiercely, fucking me hard and fast, panting and groaning. My erection had come alive again and I pumped myself with a free hand as he fucked me. He came first, grinding his hips into my ass as he moaned loudly. Then I came, shooting my load onto his sheets.

If I had thought that this was the beginning of something wonderful I was mistaken. This was the beginning of something I never made plans for.

"Get your stuff, our cover is blown," was all he said to me as he packed up his shit quickly. I was naked, sweating, and exhausted from being screwed into the mattress. He wanted to leave. My mind was in shock as I packed quickly. It was still in shock as we stole a car to get to where our gundams were hidden. It wasn't until I was inside Deathscythe that tears threatened to fall. I blinked them back and put it behind me.

I thought that maybe it was a one-time thing. I thought he just needed a sexual release. The man never even masturbates for fuck's sake! I had been used and I knew it. But, I was used good. I had no right to complain.

I was wrong about one thing though: it wasn't a one-time thing.

Three weeks later I saw him again. We were hiding out. Where, I can't remember. All I can remember is that we came back from destroying an OZ battleship somewhere in the Baltic Sea. It was cold and snowing where we were. I had just taken a shower and I came out of the small bathroom wearing only a towel. Big mistake. Heero had me pressed down into a mattress before I could say a word. When he was inside me, pounding into me mercilessly, my only thoughts were of a desire to tell him that if he wanted to fuck me he could at least do me the courtesy of fucking me face to face. It is too easy to pretend that the one you are fucking is someone else when you are doing them like some kind of animal.

But I said nothing as he withdrew his limp dick from me. I said nothing as he left the room and I said nothing when he came to bed later, in the other bed.

I'm not a fool. I knew what was going on. If Heero just wanted a fuck-buddy, I was okay with that. We acted like we were just comrades in front of the others and our enemies but, when he took me silently at night, I swore I was okay with that he was willing to give. The sex was rough, but wonderful, and I never felt more complete than I did with him inside me, moving in me.

I was okay with being his fuck buddy until one night. One night changed it all. It was six months ago, when we were on another nameless mission. I had nearly fallen two nights before as we jumped from the roof of one building to another. I was hanging onto the building by my fingertips and was about to slip when Heero suddenly caught my wrists and hauled me up to the safety of the roof with that death glare evident in his eyes. So I was pretending to be asleep. I really wasn't in the mood to be fucked so that seemed to be the safest course of action. Heero never came after me in my sleep. I made sure my breath was shallow and even as I watched him through almost-closed eyelashes. He walked into the room and stood by my bed.

"God Duo," he whispered, "I don't know what I am doing to you, to us. Odin always said to follow my emotions. And I am, but nothing seems to be working. I almost lost you. I can hardly believe that I nearly lost you. I love you, and I cannot do anything but show you that. But I cannot say it to your face. The words just… stick in my throat. Right now you are asleep, and you can't hear me. But I would die if you found out anyway. Who has the time? Who is to say whether I will live until tomorrow? Maybe when it is all over, maybe…. Maybe I can tell you then. I have no idea how to love you Duo. No idea at all. Maybe you will show me, someday."

And with that, he went to bed. I didn't sleep the rest of the night. I watched him sleep and I decided that there was only one thing I could do. I had been about to end this dangerous game we had been playing, but his words stayed my hand. He loved me. Really loved me. And now, since I feared I wouldn't make it out of this war alive, it was up to me to show him what I could until the day the war was over. I would continue to be his fuck-buddy, but things were going to change around here. If I made it out of the war alive (as if that was truly possible) maybe he would tell me he loved me while I was awake and conscious. Maybe we could make something out of this mess after all.

So I waited. I baited. And one night, the fish that was Heero Yuy took the bait; hook, line, and sinker. He came into the bedroom, and I could see he was rock hard already. I had been doing innocuous little things throughout the entire day to make him feel the desire badly enough to come to me.

Like I said, he came into the room, and he was hard as hell. But what made his eyes open just a little was me standing there nude, with my braid undone and a tube of lube in one hand. The other hand held a switchblade. I clicked it open and he flinched. I smiled at him then; an evil smirk that promised mischief.

I said nothing to him. I walked up to him and ran the knife down his chest. With one gesture, I split the green tank top with the knife. It fell off his shoulders, down his arms, and onto the floor. There was no fear in his eyes as I did this. I knew he could kill me if he chose to. I used the knife to make quick work of those ugly spandex shorts, and then he toed off his shoes and socks in a silent acceptance. Is this what he needed? To be commanded? To be dominated in some way?

I walked over to the bed and he followed.

"Lay down Heero," I told him. He did as he was told, lying on his bed. I reached down and found the two strips of terrycloth that I had hid beneath the bed. I silently remembered to thank the towel that had sacrificed the strips. I tied Heero's wrists to the headboard. He didn't complain or make a noise. I straddled his hips and bent over, brushing his lips with mine, softly as a feather floating on the breeze. I did that quite a few times.

I was making love to Heero, and I knew it. I don't think he did though, not for some time. I kissed his jaw line, and licked the outer shell of his ears. I found the hollows behind his earlobes and licked them gently. I sucked his earlobes into my mouth and heard him gasp. I kissed my way down his neck and onto his chest until I found his dark nipples. His skin tasted like caramel, all sweet and slick with sweat. I lapped gently at the nipples before taking them into my mouth and suckling like a babe. I bit them hard, only to lick the pain away, and then nibbled gently and mercilessly. I kissed my way down his stomach in a wet trail, and then I swirled my tongue in his belly button. By the time I reached his arousal, he was sobbing gently and had his eyes tightly shut.

"Heero. Look at me," I commanded. He opened his eyes and looked at me. Those beautiful blue eyes were so red, and so glazed. I took my mouth and opened it wide. With Heero watching me, I deep throated him: the head, the shaft, all the way until his soft hairs were tickling my nose. Heero gasped and tried to buck. I held him down. I sucked without hesitation, milking him. But I wanted him to climax while I was inside him. I let him go just as his moans became a little too frantic. He whimpered and then sighed as I parted his legs further. I got back down between his thighs and bent his knees back. I bent down and lapped at the patch of skin behind his balls. Then I went further down until I could swirl licks around that ring of muscle. He tasted wonderful here too, so male and so Heero. He nearly screamed as I penetrated him with my tongue. By the end of this he would be calling my name. He was going to beg for me.

I slicked a finger with lube and slid it into him. I didn't think he would care if I pushed a little. Soon, I was moving the one finger in and out, and then I added more lube and another finger. I scissored them and swirled them until I could add a third. I thrust in and out, searching out the spot Heero always found in me. When I bumped something and he arched I knew I had found it.

"Please," he finally said. I had been prepping him for fifteen minutes.

"Please what?" I tried to sound nonchalant as I brushed his pleasure spot once again.

"Please. I need – I want…"

"You have to say it Heero."

"Please, God! God, Duo! Fuck me please!"

"See? Was it really that hard?" I asked jokingly as I positioned myself at his entrance. Slowly but surely I entered. Slid into him, in and out, until I was fully seated inside him. He was sobbing again, with the love and the pain. I began to move even though he had not told me it was okay. I moved in slow, deliberate strokes, feeling every inch of him around me. He tried to get me to move faster. I stuck to my game plan. I kissed every inch of skin my lips could reach. My fingers grazed over his heated skin. And soon, I felt it build up behind my nuts. I grabbed Heero's shaft and began to pump him in rhythm.

"Duo, god!" Heero gasped as he came, spurting white-hot seed onto my hand and his stomach. When he came his tunnel clenched in on me and I came too, filling him with my own semen, feeling it surround me. I heard a sob and I knew he was crying.

I untied Heero and lay down next to him. I brought him to me while he was still weeping, and laid his head on my shoulder. I stroked his skin until he fell asleep. And we shared a bed for the very first time.

So here I am, all these months later, and the war is still being waged. We are still fighting, even though we share the same bed. And I'm so tired of this life. I'm tired of waiting to truly love Heero, and I'm tired of having to wait until this war is over to hear him say the words too. I don't want loving him to be a weakness. I want it to be a strength I can depend on.

"Wake up," I tell him abruptly. He does, eyes instantly alert for danger.

"Stand down soldier. I just have something I have to tell you."

"This had better be good at four in the morning Duo," is his response. Is that dread I see in his eyes? What does he have to be afraid of?

"I love you. I am tired of waiting for this war to be over to tell you. We may not live through tomorrow and I used to think that this, " I sweep a hand over us, "was enough until then. But I was wrong. I am tired of hiding behind my mask. I am tired of not being who I want to be. I want to be a man who is very much in love with you. I want to love you," the words come out so fast that I am not sure I actually said them.

Heero looks shocked and hopeful.

"This will complicate matters. I was not trained in how to love. I was not trained for relationships. Is this okay, this being together? Will it effect our fighting?" His gears are turning.

"Do you love me?" I ask even though I know the answer. I want to hear him say it.

"Y- yes," he ventures.

"Then whatever tomorrow has to hold for us is something we can face together. Hey, look at it this way buddy! We have something to survive for now. We have a mission in life besides killing: to stay alive. One day we may be able to lie in bed together without having to worry about blowing something up the next day," I tell him.

"It might be a good thing to have something else to fight for," he drawls out.

"A contingency plan," I joke.

His smile brightens up my dark night. It is the first genuine smile he has gifted me with, and I file it away to treasure. I hope to have many more saved up soon. Even if Shinigami comes to call during this war at least I will have those memories to sustain me into the next life.

I used to think, to paraphrase, that it is better to have not loved than to have experienced its loss. I was so wrong. Living without love is simply not living at all. It's empty. I don't want to be a shuttered soul, locked away. I want to be free. I want to be free for him and with him. I want to fly. And if I am struck down tomorrow, at least I will know that someone loved me and loved me well. There's not much more I could ask for.

- The End -


End file.
